Relationship Anxiety and Self-Compassion

Do you ever feel like your partner is mad at you, and then it turns out everything is fine? Why is it so easy to overthink our relationships and question ourselves or our partner?  There are factors underlying these tendencies to ruminate that may give rise to relationship anxiety. These patterns become frustrating and can lead to psychological distress. Insights from psychological research can help explain this process and why insecurity in attachment is taking place in our brains, even if we are in secure relationships.  

Research on attachment theory suggests that how we connect with others in relationships has been shaped by our early experiences with our caregivers. According to Mikulincer and Shaver (2003), attachment patterns can lead us to be more or less reactive to threats of rejection, even in healthy relationships. Suppose you find yourself needing constant reassurance of your feelings towards your partner or your partner’s feelings towards you. In that case, your brain may be signaling old wiring from childhood rather than picking up on what is happening in the present moment.  

Understanding the brain science behind these anxious responses can feel empowering. The brain’s “alarm,” the amygdala, is increasingly more active in those susceptible to relationship anxiety. This part of the brain works quickly, flagging any sign of uncertainty as potential danger. While this is taking place, the prefrontal cortex tries to regulate and pause these messages coming through. When anxiety is heightened, the amygdala feels that it is working significantly harder than the prefrontal cortex. Due to this, the messages creating relationship anxiety feel urgent and are near impossible to ignore without the right tools.  

There are ways to help quiet this cycle of anxiety, doubt, and fear regarding your relationship. Self-awareness and self-compassion are extremely valuable in this domain of anxiety. Kristen Neff (2003) has conducted studies on this, with results showing that intentionally treating ourselves with the same kindness and grace we give to others can substantially reduce emotional distress and increase resilience. For example, telling ourselves, “It’s okay that I’m feeling worried right now. I don’t have to give these thoughts value; just because I’m thinking them doesn’t make them true” or “This is an old pattern resurfacing in my current relationship. What evidence do I have of this worry being true? Why should I trust it?” These are ways to challenge the unhelpful thoughts surrounding your relationship stability. Challenging your anxious thoughts gives the prefrontal cortex time to step in and balance the amygdala’s response.   

Finally, ask yourself, “do I need to make any decisions about the future right now?” or “do I feel like the last time I was with my partner, things were good?” Depending on how anxiety shows up and whether you’re doubting your feelings about the relationship or your partner’s, these may be helpful questions. Relationship anxiety is not a weakness, although it does cause distress, but rather a sign of how deeply we value our relationships and connections. By acknowledging the neurological reasons behind relationship anxiety, it can help us incorporate more self-compassion into our lives and help us to approach our relationship with ourselves and our partner with more clarity.  

References 

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2003). The attachment behavioral system in adulthood: Activation, psychodynamics, and interpersonal processes. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 35, 53–152. 

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.